i feel very locked.
very constrained yet again.
i am not free to do what i want.
i am told to do what i have to.
its a very different thing.
whenever, i'm online till about 10plus,
i will suddenly have a fear, that
what if the door unlocks now,
where are all my books.
i need to pretend that i'm doing research.
when i want to go out,
i have to find a reason,
a very valid reason, like,
i need to get this, get that.
why i lost my will and freedom to choose.
and i lost my say.
i'm at loss.
i'm trying to hide away all these feelings,
but time and time again,
this is the same reason why i can't sleep at night
its the reason why i lose my appetite every time.
is this the life you want me to lead.
with you being happy, and me unhappy.
its not the two way, both sides feeling happy thing.
its a damn it one way.
i'm made to study.
not the other way round, where i want to.
i know i need to,
and i know i will.
but, if you tell me to study at this and that time,
i don't think those studying will help.
while mum is feeling super insecure these days,
i'm not doing any better as well.
no one thought about how exactly.
a freaking 16 year old feels about all these shits.
i am your daughter yes.
but i ain't a robot for you to control 24/7.
i hate it when i feel fear looking at the clock.
i hate it when i feel fear at the sound of the door.
i hate it when i see missed calls on my phone when i'm out.
when must i fear.
why am i so conquered by your words.
why can't i do what i freaking like.
